The Not So Army Wife

As I write tonight we have all learned that the US just bombed Syria. For many Americans this means relentless news coverage of the destruction to buildings and occasional heartfelt peices about military families. For those of us who love a soldier it means fear. Constant and sometimes debilitating fear. Whether your soldier is sitting on the couch next to you or at an unknown location across the ocean, when news like this hits you panic. Your mind goes to every place it shouldn't and you always think the worst. You plan for every twist and turn that any new conflict no matter how big or small will cause. You worry not only about your soldier but about the other soldiers and families you have met along the way. For me, each time I hear of a helicopter crash I listen intently for the names. I pray there isn't one I recognize. My stomach churns and my mind won't stop thinking about it until I know that my soldiers are safe. This may be one of the few ways I am like the ty...

My little man has always been a Momma's Boy when Daddy is around. Once CJ is gone the tables turn, and my cuddly little man only wants his dad.  He turns into a little wrecking ball of hate and anger, and it breaks my heart. I've read all the advice that the one who acts up is the one who needs the most love. Great advice, but it's much harder to follow than their flowery articles make it out to be. How the hell am I supposed to give all my attention to Mr. Hate when me and my daughter are starving and dinner needs made? How do I get homework done with my daughter when he is screaming and grabbing the books from us? What do I do in the mornings when I'm going to be super late for work and he is screaming that he doesn't want to get dressed? How much time and attention do I give him before I'm just letting him be a brat?  If you have the answers hold them because I'm going to tell you how I handled this. I probably did it all wrong, but I did it out way. ...

My house is crazy. Sometimes it's fun crazy and sometimes it's dinner is still on the table at midnight crazy. Crazy is exciting most of the time, but crazy can also be stressful. Last month was mostly dinner on the table at midnight crazy. It was stressful and hectic and ever changing. I will rewind to around June. CJ was told he would be going to another training. This time it would be around 3 months long, and he would leave in October. Hahahahaha. Funny joke Army. October came and the training was pushed to November then late January. Once January rolled around it was pushed back again to the end of March. Now that history is been given, I present you with the dumpster fire (fun phrase that one should not use in a work meeting to describe how a case is progressing) that was last month. Once March hit CJ's commander decided he NEEDED him in the state, and the powers that be were convinced to pull him from the training. This was bad since the training also put CJ in a...

That's right folks.  I'm a great big hypocrite.  I have been so absorbed in my life and my worries over the last few years that I have forgotten about others.  One of my posts from earlier talked about a friend who wasn't there for me when she said she would be.  It hurt me, but I realized today that I have not been an emotional support to others much either. I had a friend in college, Amy.  She was a beautiful girl, but struggled with her self esteem.  It hurt me to watch her in her struggle, but I had no clue how to help.  I was young and immature. I should have just given Amy a hug and told her how amazing she was.  I didn't let her know that our friendship was what was important to me.  Only one time was I there for her when she needed, and that was only because someone had to call and tell me she needed me.  I got a call from our cheerleading coach in the middle of the night.  Amy was threatening to kill herself.  I ...

I, Maggie, take you, CJ, to be my husband; my constant friend; my faithful partner in life and my one true love.  On this special day I give you my promise to stay by your side as your faithful wife in sickness and health, in joy and in sorrow and through the good times and the bad.  I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you and cherish you for as long as we both shall live. I, CJ, take you, Maggie, to be my wife; my constant friend; my faithful partner in life and my one true love.  On this special day I give you my promise to stay by your side as your faithful husband in sickness and health, in joy and in sorrow and through the good times and the bad.  I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh ...

As I have said before, I have had the poor me days. The ones where the littlest thing set me off into an hour or more of tears.  They suck, and it is the littlest things that can bring them on.  It seems to me like I am prepared for the big stresses.  It's the little ones that sneak up on me and slap me around. It was my birthday, and the days surrounding my birthday that were my biggest blow.  CJ was leaving the day before my birthday.  He met with his guard unit that day, and on my birthday they flew to Ft. Hood for a few more months worth of training before they left the country.  I was supposed to take off work early the day before he left, and come in late the day he did leave since he wasn't going until around noon. In my world you don't get your hopes up for a day off. When I got to work the day before CJ left I was assigned a missing person case.  I was told to find him before I went home.  That did not happen.  What did happen wa...

So I shared with you my worst day so far. Now it's time for the day where I shone like a star.  It was yesterday, and it was a day with many bumps in the road.  With each bump I asked for God's help, looked for the good and told myself that these were my choices.  I was where I was at yesterday because I chose that, and at the end of the day I was smiling. I started the day by taking my son to daycare, and staying home with my daughter who was still fighting off being sick.  She was feeling ok so we painted toes, she colored and we were doing good. I got a knock at the door and knew it was a package my husband ordered.  It was replacement blades for a stupid toy helicopter he brought with him.  Apparently it is not enough to fly the real thing.  He also needs to fly toys.  When I got the package I noticed it was torn up, and there was a sticker on it.  It said the package was damaged at receipt, empty at receipt and unsealed at receipt. ...

Initially I viewed this deployment as something I would just have to survive, but now I realize that simply surviving is not enough for me. To me surviving means living in dread, disparity and on the verge of losing it at any moment. I refuse to spend even a portion of my life like this. I have had days where I simply survived, and those days make me realize I cannot live this way.  That is easier said than done. It is easy to sit on the couch and think poor me or there is no way on earth I can do this.  I have been there, but I refused to stay there. I realized at a leadership training I went to that I could do more than simply make it through this deployment.  I learned to tell myself that this is the life I chose, and I choose all the stresses that come with my life.  I choose each day to continue in my career.  I chose to become a parent, and it chose to space my children only 15 months apart even though I knew my husband would most likely deploy when th...

Call it a pet peeve or just me being anal, but I hate it when someone calls me ma'am solely because my husband is an officer. I will accept it at formal military things, but I despise it in casual conversation.  I am, in a way, offended by it at times. What the crap? Offended by common curtsies. Yes. Somewhat.  I noticed my aversion to ma'am at Ft. Rucker.  I was trapped in military hell for a year.  All I wanted to do was get back to my career that was on pause for his training and my pregnancy. I was so ready for a badge and a gun and the craziness that is what I love to do.  I did not want to be reminded that in the eyes of the military I was nothing.  I was an accessory for my husband.  I was ma'am solely because he was sir. Warrant officers would come over to study and for a home cooked meal frequently.  Two of them especially became close with us. I liked having them come around, but because of CJ's rank they called me ma'am ALL THE TIME...