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A Little Less than Rock Star

As I have said before, I have had the poor me days. The ones where the littlest thing set me off into an hour or more of tears.  They suck, and it is the littlest things that can bring them on.  It seems to me like I am prepared for the big stresses.  It's the little ones that sneak up on me and slap me around.

It was my birthday, and the days surrounding my birthday that were my biggest blow.  CJ was leaving the day before my birthday.  He met with his guard unit that day, and on my birthday they flew to Ft. Hood for a few more months worth of training before they left the country.  I was supposed to take off work early the day before he left, and come in late the day he did leave since he wasn't going until around noon.

In my world you don't get your hopes up for a day off. When I got to work the day before CJ left I was assigned a missing person case.  I was told to find him before I went home.  That did not happen.  What did happen was I very quickly realized this guy was probably not going to be found alive.  Instead of leaving work at noon that day I was there until 7, and I was back on the day CJ left at 7:30.  No time with my husband, but there was a family who was missing someone. It was my job to focus all my effort and energy into finding him.  Attitude still good so far.

The weekend after my birthday I was supposed to go out with a friend.  She had made a big deal about me doing something for my birthday when CJ and I went out to eat with her the week before.  I was ok with nothing, but she wanted me to have fun and said I deserved it.  Ok.  Sounds good.  It was nice that someone was thinking about taking care of me while CJ was gone.

Well...on Thursday I checked my Facebook and saw a post from her about going to a hockey game with her boyfriend the night we had planned to go out.  She even knew I had gotten a babysitter.  I remained cool and changed my plans. I spent that Saturday with some of the people I work with.  It was ok, but bar hopping with a group of single cops wasn't what I had planned.  I kept a good attitude for a while.

It was a few weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, when my worst day so far hit.  I had everything I needed for a good meal, but I didn't want it to be just me and the kids.  I called above mentioned friend's ex. He has always been the better of the two in our couple relationship.  He is a Trooper with CJ.  He also has no family around so I invited him over.  He had plans with his girlfriend, daughter and girlfriend's son.  A few minutes later he called back to see if it would be ok with me if they all came over. He knew I wanted to do it at my house since this is the first real holiday I've had in our new place.

I was overjoyed that he was willing to change his holiday plans last minute.  That was when it hit me.  He was willing to change what he planned with his family last minute to make sure I didn't spend my first holiday in a new house with my husband gone alone.  How was it that he would do this, but she couldn't follow through with plans she insisted on making?

I'm not going to lie.  I was crying like a baby.  I didn't even really know why.  I knew it was ok to be mad that the birthday plans didn't happen, but why was it 3 weeks later when someone was actually doing something very nice for me that I lost it?  I was basically nonfunctional for a while.  I was I full on melt down mode.  The poor me attitude was bearing down on me with all it had, and I crumbled.  I was a mess for a few hours.

I finally realized that I could not sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I had to get stuff done for dinner the next evening.  I put on some music and started baking and cleaning.  With each little thing I got done I reminded myself how amazing I am.  I asked God for every bit of strength he could throw down at me, and I turned my day around.

When I got up on Thanksgiving morning I was on a mission.  I had a new fire in me, and I would show everyone what I could do as long as God was still actually doing it.  I, with the expert help of my kids got the turkey prepared and in he oven.  I cleaned like a mad woman, and I got a call from work.  No biggie.  I wasn't on call, but in my work that does not mean you won't still be going to something on a holiday.  They found my missing person, and they needed me to help with he scene and talk to his family.  So I turned the oven down, brought the kids to my boss' house and worked for a few hours.  It was a good team effort so we were done fairly quickly.

When I got home with the kids I took the turkey out of the oven.  It was perfect, took a shower and made gravey.  I was done just as everyone got to the house.

Two things from that. First, when God made me he built me to kick butt.  Even alone I was able to clean the house, make Thanksgiving dinner, work a crime scene and still entertain guests.  Second, not matter how bad I thought things were, there was a family who for a month didn't know where their loved one was, and their holiday was ruined because he was found that day.  My husband was away, but he was and is still alive and well.  So as angry as I was about the birthday incident I realized it was nothing compared to what others may be facing.

Yes, there will be melt downs.  There will be times when you feel sorry for yourself, but you have to learn how to get past them.  You have to use those times to learn about yourself and how to better cope when other things come up.  I pray that I don't have any more days like that day, but I also know that if I do I will be better able to handle them.  I will hopefully be able to minimize their ill effects.


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