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Failure, Anger and Jealousy

Today hasn't been a good day for me, and I don't know how to turn it around. Right now I'm in my room with tears in my eyes while my kids run wild way after bedtime. 
Today I'm failing. Today I can't get anything done, and I'm just getting mad at everyone. I'm buried at work, and my house looks like a freaking disaster. I'm not talking the over dramatic my house is a mess because I didn't dust last week crap. I'm talking we can't walk through bedrooms without breaking stuff, laundry is has overtaken every room and the floors have who knows what stuck to them. To top it all off, the guy who said he would now for me isn't. It's been over a month since the lawn was mowed, and it looks more like a troll on LSD than a yard. 
Today I'm mad because once again someone said they would do something to help me out, and they have failed to deliver. I was relieved when CJ told me he had someone to mow the lawn. It i one less thing I had to do…
Recent posts

Fear

As I write tonight we have all learned that the US just bombed Syria. For many Americans this means relentless news coverage of the destruction to buildings and occasional heartfelt peices about military families. For those of us who love a soldier it means fear. Constant and sometimes debilitating fear.

Whether your soldier is sitting on the couch next to you or at an unknown location across the ocean, when news like this hits you panic. Your mind goes to every place it shouldn't and you always think the worst. You plan for every twist and turn that any new conflict no matter how big or small will cause. You worry not only about your soldier but about the other soldiers and families you have met along the way. For me, each time I hear of a helicopter crash I listen intently for the names. I pray there isn't one I recognize. My stomach churns and my mind won't stop thinking about it until I know that my soldiers are safe.

This may be one of the few ways I am like the typic…

My Little Bundle of Anger

My little man has always been a Momma's Boy when Daddy is around. Once CJ is gone the tables turn, and my cuddly little man only wants his dad.  He turns into a little wrecking ball of hate and anger, and it breaks my heart.

I've read all the advice that the one who acts up is the one who needs the most love. Great advice, but it's much harder to follow than their flowery articles make it out to be. How the hell am I supposed to give all my attention to Mr. Hate when me and my daughter are starving and dinner needs made? How do I get homework done with my daughter when he is screaming and grabbing the books from us? What do I do in the mornings when I'm going to be super late for work and he is screaming that he doesn't want to get dressed? How much time and attention do I give him before I'm just letting him be a brat?  If you have the answers hold them because I'm going to tell you how I handled this. I probably did it all wrong, but I did it out way. 
We…

Never A Dull Moment

My house is crazy. Sometimes it's fun crazy and sometimes it's dinner is still on the table at midnight crazy. Crazy is exciting most of the time, but crazy can also be stressful.

Last month was mostly dinner on the table at midnight crazy. It was stressful and hectic and ever changing. I will rewind to around June. CJ was told he would be going to another training. This time it would be around 3 months long, and he would leave in October. Hahahahaha. Funny joke Army. October came and the training was pushed to November then late January. Once January rolled around it was pushed back again to the end of March.

Now that history is been given, I present you with the dumpster fire (fun phrase that one should not use in a work meeting to describe how a case is progressing) that was last month. Once March hit CJ's commander decided he NEEDED him in the state, and the powers that be were convinced to pull him from the training. This was bad since the training also put CJ in a gr…

The War That Never Ends

Sometimes the war is never over, and that is exactly how I feel right now. It has been almost 7 months since CJ has gotten home, and a lot of the time it is great. The other times it's dreadful. He is distant and angry. I never know what will set him off so I spend my time avoiding him. It's like we are still living our deployment lives, but in the same house. I'm living on an island and my husband is only a visitor.

Some days he is a welcome guest full of laughs and love. Other times he is an invader. His presence is a disruption, and his outbursts of anger keep even our preschoolers on edge. It's not that h is unaware of it, but his awareness isn't enough. While I appreciate the apologies it doesn't make life around here any easier.

Since he has gotten back, it seems like CJ can't handle stress. If he gets more than one thing on his plate his world comes to a screeching halt. When he was gone all he had to worry about was the war. He was a soldier and his…

Yep...He's Home

I would love to write something heartfelt and beautiful about the almost 3 months that C.J. has been home.  I can't.  It's not because things have gone horribly wrong since he has been home.  It has been great.  I'm just emotionally drained.  I don't know how to put into words what our lives have been like.

It was amazing when the kids ran to him in the armory.  I can't even begin to describe the smiles on everyones' faces.  Then the kids started getting a bit crabby because they were hungry so off to Subway we went.  The honeymoon was over, and life together began again.
We are both back at work.  I went back 4 days after he got home, and C.J. went back after being home for a mere 11 days.  We kind of never slow down.  I don't know if I could function if I wasn't going at full speed nearly all the time, and C.J. is worse than I am.
So that's it.  I'm sure it sounds like I'm not happy to have him back or that I don't really love him.  Th…

When He gets Home

As with any deployment plans have changed again.  This news is better than the last, but I am being cautiously optimistic CJ and the rest of his unit will be home by Mid-September.  While I am ecstatic CJ will be home and we can begin the next chapter in our lives, I am a little sad as well.  CJ coming home means some of the things I have enjoyed with him gone will come to an end.
1. I love bedtime with the kids.  Some nights it is stressful, but it is our time to cuddle, read books and really be close.  When CJ is home I will have to share the kids again, and I'm not sure I want to all the time.
2. There is a sense of pride that I get whenever I accomplish the littlest of things.  High-five to me when I go to the store with both kids, get everything I need and have no meltdowns.  Plus I'm getting better at this doing it alone stuff so there are more and more high-five moments.
3. The paycheck will be missed.  Let's face it a deployed soldier makes a lot more than a cop.  Goo…