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Failure, Anger and Jealousy

Today hasn't been a good day for me, and I don't know how to turn it around. Right now I'm in my room with tears in my eyes while my kids run wild way after bedtime. 

Today I'm failing. Today I can't get anything done, and I'm just getting mad at everyone. I'm buried at work, and my house looks like a freaking disaster. I'm not talking the over dramatic my house is a mess because I didn't dust last week crap. I'm talking we can't walk through bedrooms without breaking stuff, laundry is has overtaken every room and the floors have who knows what stuck to them. To top it all off, the guy who said he would now for me isn't. It's been over a month since the lawn was mowed, and it looks more like a troll on LSD than a yard. 

Today I'm mad because once again someone said they would do something to help me out, and they have failed to deliver. I was relieved when CJ told me he had someone to mow the lawn. It i one less thing I had to do on my enourmous list of crap, but once again I am let down. Yes, I will find someone else to do it. That isn't a what makes me mad. I'm mad that I have to. I'm mad that once again someone has offered something very nice and gotten my hopes up only to flake out. I'm mad that I can't trust people to do what they say they will do. I'm mad that I didn't learn how to work a stupid riding mower so I could do it myself even though I don't have the time or energy. I'm mad that I'm crying over my stupid own not being mowed. 

Today I failed the people who work for me. I ignored them when they came to give me updates. I kept working on my work, and I barely looked up at them. I put my priorities and my caseload ahead of my people, and that is unacceptable. In a world that hates cops, I need my people to know that they are worth my time. I need them to know that I respect them and will always be there for them. That wasn't the case today. I was so stressed about my own issues that I ignored theirs. 

Today I'm angry with my kids. I said it. I'm mad at them. They are little mess makes who have no clue how hard this is for me. They are moody and defiant, and I can't handle it right now. I'm mad that my horrible  parenting skills are causing me to be angry with kids. I'm angry that I have to yell. I'm angry that I have to ignore them. That isn't what they need right now. They need understanding and love. I don't have those today. How the heck did I get to this point? 

Today I'm jealous. I'm jealous of normal families. Mom and dad working together to make the house run. I'm jealous of parents who get to hand their kids off for a weekend to grandparents or the other parent. I can't even begin to imagine what a kid free weekend would be like. I'm jealous of my husband who gets to go to cray amazing training while I'm stuck here. I'm jealous that he only has one responsibility. To pass his training. Nothing else. I hate that I'm jealous. 

I suck at this. I just hope the suck gets les and July comes soon. One month down. Just over two to go. I'm so screwed. 😔


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