Accepting When I Have no Control

Keeping my head up when things are rough is hard.  I will admit I had a pity party last night, but today I will keep my head up and accept that sometimes things are out of my control. Sometimes no matter how hard I work at something or how much effort I put forth things may not work out in my favor.

Two weeks ago I turned in a resume and letter for promotion to Detective Lieutenant.  I have been a Detective since 2008 with a 1 year leave of absence.  I also have a degree and 2 years of experience as a Patrol Officer.  The other person whom I considered my real competition started in investigations a year after I did, but has about 8 years of experience as a Patrol Officer.  He does not have a degree.  The job title says degree preferred, but experience can be substituted.  I kind of considered us somewhat equal going into the interviews.

Our interview board consists of 5 Lieutenants and a Captain.  We had the questions before hand to work on, and I rocked the interview.  I know I left some of them speechless, and I know I impressed them all.  I learned later that day that I had scored the highest on the interview.  This was last Friday.  

On Tuesday the former Detective Lieutenant met with me to let me know that I did not get the promotion.  He said all on the board agreed I did the best interview, but they thought the other Detective would do a better job since he has more overall experience in law enforcement.  I think he will do good, but I am somewhat upset (depending on the time maybe a little more than somewhat).

My frustration comes from either my lack of understanding the process or the lack of the department to properly explain what the process would be.  It was my understand that the board would score our interview, and the Chief would be given those scores along with the notes each person took.  I thought it would be up to the Chief to decide how much weight to give to our experience and education.  I thought wrong.  

My frustration also comes from what I perceive as the department wasting my time in order to make the process appear to be unbiased.  The fact is no matter how well anyone did on the interview the decision was made.  If a vote was take pre interview it would have been the same as after the interview.  So why do it in the first place?  I am raising two kids without the help of my husband.  I put them and their needs on the back burner while I worked on answers for the interview.  I stayed up late working on the questions because I didn't have time to in the evenings when the kids did need me.  Had I known the interview really didn't mean anything I would have played more with my kids and went to bed a little earlier.  We are a small department so they all know my situation.  Don't make me jump through pointless hoops.

I the end the other Detective may have still been chosen, but now I have the questions of did I get somewhat unfairly passed over.  I have chosen to not make an issue of the process to the department.  I have talked to my former boss and let him know my concerns as a friend, but I asked that he not push it further.  I know some will say I need to push, but in the end that is not what is best for me.  The decision was made.  If I were to complain my way into the position I would not feel as if I earned it.  I can't even say I disagree with the decision.  I simply disagree with the process.  It was not made clear in the beginning, and it is for that reason I was upset. 

Today is Thursday, and I can say I'm not completely over it. I'm making sure to pray a lot.  This is the same thing I did when I walked into that interview room.  I asked God to give me the words to say. Now I'm asking God for the ability to accept that this is in some way part of his plan.  I'm asking for God to take away the jealousy I have as I see my new boss.  This is out of my hands.  I must look to God for strength and acceptance in this situation. This is something I should be do nights all the time, but we all know when things are going good we tend to rely a little less on God's strength.  I pray every night, but when things are good I'm forgetting to keep my focus on God. So today I will hold my head up and ask God to help me accept what is out of my control.

UPDATE: By around September it was clear that the guy who got the promotion was not doing so well. In November he was moved to a different supervisor position, and in January I was promoted. I have been in my position for 2 years now. The position is the most stressful and challenging thing I have done, but the impact I get to make is worth it.