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The War That Never Ends

Sometimes the war is never over, and that is exactly how I feel right now. It has been almost 7 months since CJ has gotten home, and a lot of the time it is great. The other times it's dreadful. He is distant and angry. I never know what will set him off so I spend my time avoiding him. It's like we are still living our deployment lives, but in the same house. I'm living on an island and my husband is only a visitor.

Some days he is a welcome guest full of laughs and love. Other times he is an invader. His presence is a disruption, and his outbursts of anger keep even our preschoolers on edge. It's not that h is unaware of it, but his awareness isn't enough. While I appreciate the apologies it doesn't make life around here any easier.

Since he has gotten back, it seems like CJ can't handle stress. If he gets more than one thing on his plate his world comes to a screeching halt. When he was gone all he had to worry about was the war. He was a soldier and his focus was that. Once he got back he was a soldier, cop, husband, father, son, brother, home owner and a lot more. Everyone and everything needed his attention. It was something he wasn't used to.

I understood that for a while, but now it is getting harder and harder to be the loving and understanding wife. I'm still doing all the house work and working full time. He helps with the kids some, but most of the time when he is home he is working on something. When I try to talk to him I get grunts and half answers, and when I call him out on his anger I'm the bad guy.  I feel like he is making extra work just to have a reason to avoid family.

I knew there would be changes. I knew this would be hard. What I did't know was that it may not end. That anger and tears may become our new normal, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't have a way to stop the war inside my husband and keep it from scaring me and my children.


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