I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, but it was nearly 5 years ago. It was a stinging combination of physical pain, emotional pain and failure all wrapped up in one horrible package. It woke me from my sleep and brought me to tears at 3:30 in the morning. I woke CJ up, and told him I thought I was having a miscarriage.
CJ told me it was fine, and sat with me for a while while I called the doctor's office. They told me to go back to sleep and see them in the morning. Needless to say I didn't sleep. I knew what the pain was. I had felt it once before, but that time I didn't know I was pregnant until I had already miscarried. This time it was different. This time I knew I was pregnant. I had already seen the little heartbeat. It was a beautiful little miracle to see a tiny dot beating on the ultrasound.
When CJ woke up I was bleeding. He tried his hardest to remain positive, but we both knew what the doctor was going to say. It was an eerie car ride as we drove to confirm our baby was no longer with us. This ultrasound was different. Our little dot was still there, but the miracle was gone. The flashing was gone. The heart was no longer beating.
It took a couple of days for the actual miscarriage. It was a torture trying to accept what was happening while trying to manage the physical pain and my feeling of failure. I accepted the first miscarriage fairly easily, but this time it was harder. This time I needed support.
From the moment the doctor confirmed our worst fears, I found my strength in CJ. The love, support and compassion he gave me was beyond what I could imagine. I know he hurt too, but he made sure I was taken care of first.
Looking back there is still some hurt, but without those loses I would not have the children I have now. I also know the struggles we faced early in our marriage made it stronger and helped prepare us for where we are now. I know my kids are a blessing and my husband loves me unconditionally. I know that I can survive the challenges of my life, and for that I am thankful.