Skip to main content

My Miscarriage

I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, but it was nearly 5 years ago.  It was a stinging combination of physical pain, emotional pain and failure all wrapped up in one horrible package.  It woke me from my sleep and brought me to tears at 3:30 in the morning.  I woke CJ up, and told him I thought I was having a miscarriage.

CJ told me it was fine, and sat with me for a while while I called the doctor's office.  They told me to go back to sleep and see them in the morning.  Needless to say I didn't sleep. I knew what the pain was.  I had felt it once before, but that time I didn't know I was pregnant until I had already miscarried.  This time it was different.  This time I knew I was pregnant.  I had already seen the little heartbeat.  It was a beautiful little miracle to see a tiny dot beating on the ultrasound.  

When CJ woke up I was bleeding.  He tried his hardest to remain positive, but we both knew what the doctor was going to say.  It was an eerie car ride as we drove to confirm our baby was no longer with us.  This ultrasound was different.  Our little dot was still there, but the miracle was gone.  The flashing was gone.  The heart was no longer beating.  

It took a couple of days for the actual miscarriage.  It was a torture trying to accept what was happening while trying to manage the physical pain and my feeling of failure.  I accepted the first miscarriage fairly easily, but this time it was harder. This time I needed support. 

From the moment the doctor confirmed our worst fears, I found my strength in CJ.  The love, support and compassion he gave me was beyond what I could imagine.  I know he hurt too, but he made sure I was taken care of first.  

Looking back there is still some hurt, but without those loses I would not have the children I have now.  I also know the struggles we faced early in our marriage made it stronger and helped prepare us for where we are now.  I know my kids are a blessing and my husband loves me unconditionally.  I know that I can survive the challenges of my life, and for that I am thankful.
Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 13, 2014 at 1:35 PM

    Maggie as always thank you for sharing your experiences with such honesty and love. Much blessings :) xo

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Other Sexual Harassment

I had a conversation the other day with one of our new female officers.  She is a great girl and very eager to learn, but she has been having some problems lately.  Unfortunately they are problems many females in law enforcement face.  It's sexual harassment, but not by her employer or coworkers.  This harassment comes from "The Wives", and it is painful. Law enforcement is a dysfunctional family.  I love the men I work with like I love my own brothers and uncles.  We have bonded, and we have a lot of shared stories and experiences. I can't explain this bond, and unfortunately many of the wives don't understand it or are jealous of it.  Especially when it comes to female officers. When I first started I was 22 years old.  I was put on a crew with 3 really great officers who taught me a lot, but they had to be careful.  If they were seen stopped talking to me too much by their wives or wives friends they would hear about it.  If their...
3 comments
Read more

I'm a Hypocrite

That's right folks.  I'm a great big hypocrite.  I have been so absorbed in my life and my worries over the last few years that I have forgotten about others.  One of my posts from earlier talked about a friend who wasn't there for me when she said she would be.  It hurt me, but I realized today that I have not been an emotional support to others much either. I had a friend in college, Amy.  She was a beautiful girl, but struggled with her self esteem.  It hurt me to watch her in her struggle, but I had no clue how to help.  I was young and immature. I should have just given Amy a hug and told her how amazing she was.  I didn't let her know that our friendship was what was important to me.  Only one time was I there for her when she needed, and that was only because someone had to call and tell me she needed me.  I got a call from our cheerleading coach in the middle of the night.  Amy was threatening to kill herself.  I ...
2 comments
Read more

Today

Today I am a freaking rock star!  Today I am not only surviving my husband's deployment to Afghanistan, I am kicking some deployment a$$!  Today I am mom to my 2 and 3-year-old kiddos, and I am Detective to nearly everyone else. I am also covered in buggers from a sick little one! My husband, CJ, is a Black Hawk pilot in the National Guard, and he has just begun what will be around a 9 month deployment. That does not include all of the pre deployment crap he did before. Basically he will have been gone on and off for just over a year once this 9ish months is done. I have tried to read some of the army books for wives.  Nearly all of them suck.  I don't move every few years so get rid of that chapter, money is better when he is activated for Guard duty than for his regular job so the finances chapter can go, and don't tell me to get away or stay with family when things get tough.  I have a freaking career that makes it kind of difficult to just spend a month ...
2 comments
Read more